When I turned 40 I had one of the biggest Tower (tarot reference) moments where the life I had worked so hard to create came crashing down. An incredibly self-centred business partner of mine decided he need more money than the hundreds of thousands he already had and my family just didn’t matter, I was just in the way. So with a stroke of his pen, I lost my home, my car, my other business I had built over 10 years and the business I went into partnership for. To run this new business, my children and I agreed to move interstate and leave the home we knew. So not only did I lose my material assets, but through the incredible turmoil this loss created, many of my close relationships fell apart – family and friends. Yes some did strengthen too 😊 There was so much pain but so much good has come from this part of my life as now I have found my purpose and myself through the journey of rebuilding.
After the loss I had to find work as there was my family to care for (thank goodness!!). I searched for work but found I just could not go back to the corporate world I had believed had the magic ladder I needed to climb to be happy. But the wonderful universe showed me a way through a small add in the local newspaper, of how I could put my natural abilities of helping to good use. With nothing more to lose, I signed up for a Bachelor Degree at Uni and studied Social Sciences to become a psychotherapist. For an income while at Uni I cleaned people’s homes, and no, this wasn’t easy, but it was necessary to move forward and it was incredibly humbling.
So many times I found myself asking why me? What am I doing? Or told myself, I can’t do this. I should just give up and go back to what I know. Other’s weren’t sure I was making the right decision either or that my goals might be too big of a stretch. Yet there was something in me that told me to keep going…. I can’t fully explain what this was but it was the start of getting to know myself from my point of view and not from what others had told me I should be, what they wanted from me or from their ideal of who I am. I was always an independent person and had my own ideas on how the world should be, but it wasn’t until this time of my life that I began to realise some of the belief systems I had developed about myself were no longer serving me, and how limiting these beliefs were to creating success.
Self-Awareness can often be mistaken for confidence, this I am still working on. No, Self-awareness is more about understanding your past, being able to be in your present moment and knowing your future dreams are yours and that they are possible. I think it’s about finding your inner voice and giving yourself permission to listen to it. To know how you show up every day. There’s an understanding of your emotions, why we experience them and what they are telling us about our outside environment, our inside self and our thoughts. This understanding / awareness creates choices that are in line with your own values and the ability to create new belief systems or to keep the ones that still serve you.
I didn’t just land into a state of self-awareness, it has been a journey and for me it will be ongoing, it is a journey with no destination and no end. I am now curious about myself and kind of getting to know me like a new best friend. I still surprise myself with what I can do, get disappointed in some of the choices I make, have days when I just don’t want to, but this all part of it. Being aware of this allows me to decide do I push myself or let myself watch Netflix for the day…. Yes with chocolate 😊.
When I know myself I am kinder, I understand my triggers and how my history can impact me during stressful times. I can make informed decision whilst being in the present moment and feeling my emotions. I can help others as I am fully aware of what is theirs to hold and what is mine. I just see things clearer and don’t sweat the small stuff anymore.
I don’t recommend waiting until everything comes crashing down around you, but if you are feeling lost, stuck, uncertain and/or unmotivated take the journey and starting getting to know you – it has been the best thing I have ever done!!
Starting Equine Inspired Therapies, did mean going back into business for myself and that came with all sorts of baggage, but WOW what a journey I have been on and I am so grateful for every step. None of it has been easy but all of it has led to a deeper appreciation of who I am and who the people around me are too.
Sending you my blessings and warmest wishes that this lands somewhere for you x